It’s that time in the frozen north, whilst FringeReview is down in Brighton, we get something like the following from those hoping to be a hit in August: –
Dear Fringe Reviewer person,
The company who have employed me because they have enough money to spend on me sending emails in the hope that you will come and see the enclosed shows and then give us great reviews that will allow all the people who have already made it, well… make some more…
To help you I shall
REMIND YOU OF THE VENUE.
You will already know it – it has a very shiny presence in Edinburgh for the whole of august – YOU LITERALLY CANNOT MISS US.
Oh, and I shall give you the dates of the Fringe – just in case.
Oh, and they are ON SALE – can you spread that?
Then come the shows. Oh they are in bold so you know what to put in the subject box of your returning email – inevitable…
To help you we say brilliant a lot, brand new often, favourites a whole load and mention TV a considerable amount. (Previous work comes in brackets so you poor thing – there are a lot of things out there – you don’t get confused)
And then there is the return. Please be aware I shall not include your review quotes, unless they were five star quotes.
I shall, of course mess with your head through my use of parenthesis, dodgy metaphors and questionable apostrophes; makes it quirky and noticeable. Of course, spelling mistakes shall be kept to a minimum, unless it’s a Slade tribute act.
Significant people associated with it all, shall be in italics so you can see what they are likely to say and you won’t get close to them during August and will just have to bulk things out with these really, really handy quotes – usable for all occasions. WE shall also put their name, role and the right venue in bold so you know.
Finally booking information which will be impersonal, unlike the rest of the email. There will likely just be a website and a generic phone number that you, and the hundreds if not thousands of people that read your stuff ever phone.
It all ENDS with the word in bold – ENDS – because I know how busy you are.
Alternatively, given that they can afford to pay for someone like me, you might want to get out your chair and go and review something else instead. Perhaps for a company that are losing shed loads of cash daily and chasing the types of dreams we all had at some stage just before we got into that corporate business model funders think we should be in, creatives think we should avoid and Fringe Festivals are supposed to eschew.
Anyway – hope to see you there. At one of the shows – remember them?
A. N. Other Request Esquire